Epiphany

Two disclaimers before I write this post:

1) I love my girls. So much. If you haven't picked up on that, you should practice your reading comprehension skillz.

2) I have made a conscious decision to be a stay-at-home mom. I made it well before I was married. It was what I wanted to do with my life, and I married someone who supported me in that endeavor.

Now, those things being said, I must also tell you this: there have been times, especially recently, when I think thoughts like this:

"Is this really all I'm going to do with my life?"

"I'm a smart person. Am I wasting that by just staying home with my kids?"

"I could have really done something with my life. I used to want to be a doctor. What happened to that? I could have been a lawyer (remember how I took the LSAT?). I have a freaking master's degree that I'm not using. Is it worth 'throwing those things away' to stay home with my kids?"

Please know that, in my heart, I really know the answers to these questions. I know that being a stay at home mom is what I'm meant to do. I know I can be good at it. I know it brings true joy and fulfillment to any woman who commits herself to it and puts her whole heart into it.

I know those things, but sometimes it's hard to remember. Especially when I see all these examples of amazing women who are kicking grass and taking names in their careers. It's easy to think,

"Well, she gets paid for what she does. It must be important. SHE must be important."

"She is so much smarter than me. I mean, she has to be, if she has that job!"

"It must be so nice to go somewhere everyday, do something for yourself, and have a great answer when people ask what you do for a living."

Am I alone here? I can't be the only stay at home mom who sometimes feels that way.

But, you guys, I had an epiphany yesterday, and if you're still with me and willing to hang on for a bit longer, I'd like to share it with you.

In an effort to become more involved, and as a way to play a more active role in paying off my student loans, I'm taking on a lot of the billing responsibilities for our company (eventually all of them). It's something I can do from home, for a few hours a week, and it will free up the very valuable time of the person currently doing the billing. So it's basically a win-win-win. I've worked for Skyhook before, but always on an as-needed or temporary (e.g. until school starts or the baby comes) basis. This will be my first actual, consistent work, and I'm pretty excited about it.

So yesterday, I was doing some training with the girl who currently does this job, and it was going really well. I had been a little discouraged about all there was to learn, but she was extremely helpful and I was starting to really feel like I was catching on.

And then, there was a rare moment when all the windows on my computer screen were closed, and my desktop picture of Maddy was visible.

"Your girls are so cute," my trainer said. "They both have adorable cheeks!" (We're friends on Facebook, so she's seen both of them).

"I know," I responded. "They're seriously beautiful."

The conversation might have lasted longer, or that might have been it. I don't really remember. I do remember, though, that when it was over and we went back to talking about billing stuff, I felt a little disappointed.

It happened again, later, after a conversation which started by her asking me if I ever feel a little dismayed by the fact that I have TWO KIDS (the answer is yes, by the way). We talked about it for a minute, and after we moved on, I realized how excited I had been while we were talking about it. With the conversation over, it felt like I was coming down from a high.

It wasn't until I reflected on this, later, that I realized its significance. When we were talking about my kids, and about me being a mom, I felt

---happy---proud---excited---passionate---devoted---peaceful---

And what's more - I felt all these things naturally. I didn't have to convince myself that I should be feeling them, or think about how to respond to her questions to make me sound like I was feeling that way. Nothing was forced or artificial. I really did feel that way. Automatically.

I doubt this story means as much to you as it does to me, and that's okay. I just wanted to write this post to remind myself, and tell all of you, that I really, really enjoy being a mom, and staying home with my kids. I truly believe that it is what I was made to do. It is what I love. It is what I am passionate about. It is what I could talk your ear off about. My heart and mind get excited when I think, read, write, talk, or hear about it. 

And no, this doesn't mean that I'm quitting my new job, or depreciating other things I'm passionate about. It just means that the next time I'm feeling a little bit of doubt about what I do, I have an experience to look back on - one that will help me remember that in my natural, happy state, I am a mom.